Bad Choices: 'Supernatural'

By Vonnie © 2008

Chapter 1

Bang! The door closed with a loud crash as 18-year-old Sam Winchester stormed out of the house. It was opened again almost instantly as his father appeared in the doorway.

“Sam come back, please!” John Winchesters voice had a pleading quality to it.

Any other time the teen might have heeded the request of the older man but this time he was way too angry and confused to even acknowledge it. All he could think about was getting away.

Running through the streets, he didn’t really care where he was going. Lucky for him, traffic was light, almost nonexistent at this time of night, it was almost 8 PM, otherwise he might have not gotten very far. As it was, he ran without incidence for about 10 minutes before he finally felt the need to stop.

For a moment, he stood bend over with his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. When he looked around, he was surprised to find himself in front of ‘Tom’s Sports Bar’. Contrary to the name, the only thing at 'Tom’s' that came close to making it a sports bar was the small 19” TV on a shelf in one of the corners. The bar was located in one of the worst areas of town and nobody really cared about the drinking age in there. That was why his older brother had dragged him in there last week to celebrate Sam’s graduation from High School. He knew Dean came here quite frequently and maybe he got lucky and his brother would be in there. It would feel good to have someone to talk to right now.

Not quite sure what to do Sam hesitated for a moment, then, his mind made up, he straightened himself up, felt his back pocket for his wallet with the fake id and entered the place with all the confidence he could muster.

As his eyes adjusted to the semi darkness of the room, his eyes scanned around for his sibling. Not finding him, he strolled towards the open door on the left. Dean had shown him the pool table in there and now he hoped he would find his brother there, trying to hustle some money from some clueless patrons. Peering into the room, he found it empty.

“Darn!”

Sam couldn't hide his disappointment; he really had hoped to find his brother here. Well, now that he was already here, it was as good as any other place to get his thoughts in order. He sat down on the bar stool and ordered a beer. The woman behind the bar gave him a questioning look, her eyes telling him she knew he was too young to be in this place but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she handed him the desired beverage and took the money he had laid on the counter. Then she turned away, tending to the other customers waiting for her attention.

Left alone with his drink, Sam took a swallow from the bottle, feeling the bitter brew running down his throat. He still hadn’t quite gotten used to the taste. Sure, his father and brother let him have a bottle from time to time and last week he even had several, but the occasions were infrequent and after the third bottle last week, he had decided he didn’t like the effect it had on him. Sam liked to be in control and the alcohol left him lightheaded and slightly unstable. Even Dean’s comments of being too serious hadn’t been able to convince him to drink another drop.

Against his overall mood, a smile appeared on his face as he thought about his older sibling. Dean had practically raised him, their father being gone for long periods to hunt for the demon that had killed their mother or track down some other supernatural evil. Dean was the only reason, why Sam had been trying to convince his father to give his blessing to his plans instead of just running off.

Tears stung in his eyes as he thought about his senior year. Sure, if Sam thought about it honestly, at least 50% of the conflicts he had with his dad were his own fault but this one was different, after all, it was about his future. Why couldn’t the oldest Winchester see this?

Sam had really tried to be patient, carefully bringing up the subject of going to college in casual conversations throughout the first half of the school year. His father had just ignored it by changing to a different topic, while his brother, although not voicing an opinion, had given him understanding looks. Not until after the New Year had started had Sam mentioned wanting to go to Stanford to study prelaw. This had been met with open resistance from his father and lead to several intense arguments until the youngest Winchester had decided to just wait until after graduation to bring it up again.

This occasion had been tonight, when he had waived his acceptance letter and full academic scholarship under his father’s nose. Expecting some resistance but also at least some pride in his son’s accomplishment, Sam had been shattered by the clear and cold ‘No’ that was thrown in his face instead. Remembering the rage and anger he had felt and the harsh words he had thrown in the eldest face as a result, his heart cramped. He would never forget the look on his father’s face, when he had told him that he never cared about him and had nothing but his stupid demon on his mind. It had taken only a second, before he felt his father’s hand slapping his cheek. This was when he had turned and stormed out of the house.

Now tears were running down his face freely, he regretted deeply what he had said; fully knowing that he had been wrong. However, why couldn’t his father understand? All he wanted was to be normal. He despised the life his family lived, moving from town to town, hardly ever staying anywhere longer than a few months, mostly living out of the trunk of the '67 Impala and dad’s pickup truck. It had been surprising to him that they had spent the last year in one place, actually renting a small house in one of the poorest parts of town.

The noise of a glass hitting wood interrupted his thoughts and brought him back to reality.

“Here you go, sweetie!” the raspy voice of the barmaid said, as she put another beer in front of him.

Confusion hit Sam as he saw the three empty bottles in front of him. Who had put those there? It couldn’t have been him, he would have remembered ordering, drinking them. Someone had to be playing a joke on him, but then the pressure on his bladder seemed to tell him otherwise. Getting up to find the rest room, he swayed. Wow, this was not good, holding on, he stood still for a moment before he slowly made his way to his destination. Feeling unsteady and slightly dizzy, he decided it was time to get out of this place as soon as he had relieved himself.

Upon his return several minutes later, he felt slightly better, a warm feeling coursed through his veins and the dizziness had decreased. Sitting back down, he decided to drink the beer that was still standing on the counter; after all, he had already paid for it.

~*~*~*~*~*~

When Dean Winchester came home this evening, he was surprised to find his dad sitting in the living room with his face buried in his hands. As he heard his older son entering the house, he lifted his eyes and for a moment. Dean thought he saw a glimmer of hope that very quickly turned into disappointment.

Trying to make light of a situation that he yet had to understand, he said, “Sorry to disappoint you, it’s just me, the hooker I tried to get for you decided to split with my last 50 bucks!”

“I hit him, Dean, I can’t believe I hit him!” the older Winchester stammered.

The younger man was astonished by the despair in the elder’s voice. This was not like his father.

“Hit who?

“Sam, I slapped him in the face!”

Slowly the other man related the events from earlier that evening, leaving Dean searching for words. He had known of his brothers desire to go to Stanford and watched the tension between his father and sibling build in the last few month and he had tried to stay out of it. Too often was he the one standing in between the two, trying to negotiate between his no nonsense father, who expected his orders to be followed and Sam, who fought for the freedom to be different. Usually he took his siblings side but not this time, this time he had decided to just stay out of it. He didn’t want Sammy to leave. Now he felt guilty, maybe he could have prevented the scene his father had described, if he just would have interfered.

“Dad, where is Sam now!”

“I have no idea”, the older man shook his head, “he ran off after it happened, I couldn’t stop him. I thought he needed some time to cool down, so I didn’t go after him, this was about 1 hour ago.”

“I’m sure he will be back soon, you know how he is, probably won’t talk to you for a few days though!’ Dean tried to ease the tension, not sure, who he needed to convince more, his dad or himself.

His face taking on a more serious look he added, “Maybe we should tell him the truth?”

“No!” John Winchesters voice had a determination in it that could not be ignored. “You know your brother better than I do and he would not deal well with it! What would you say to him? Oh, by the way Sam, you can’t go to college, because the demon that killed your mother was actually after you! He could come back any time and that’s why we need you to stay close so we can keep an eye on you!”

Dean let his head hang he had already known the answer. His brother always seemed to take responsibility for anything that went wrong. The truth about their mother’s death would eat him up, even though he had been only an infant and not at fault for the actions of the evil entity that destroyed the life of their family.

Unsure how to solve this problem at this time, he did the next best thing, he took out his phone and punched the keys for Sam’s cell. Within seconds, he heard the ring tone coming from the kitchen.

“Damn, he forgot his phone! “ Dean cursed,

He picked up the keys to the Impala and left. Turning around in the doorway, he said, “I’m going to look for him, see if I can talk some sense into him.”

 Chapter 2

As he finished his fourth beer, Sam realized that his tension and dark mood seemed to lighten. Maybe Dean was right and he just needed to relax and have some fun. It appeared that alcohol could really be helpful with this; after all, his brother was always in a really good mood after having a few "adult beverages".

Sam couldn't help but giggle, ‘adult beverages' was what his English teacher, ‘old maid' Goodman had always called it. She surely would be horrified to find her former ‘star student' in this place.

The thought of school stung, reminding him of why he was here in the first place.

"Sam Winchester, stop this", he scolded himself, "you are going to have some fun here!”

He lifted his hand and called out for the bar tender, "Another one and why don't you get me a shot of ‘Jack‘!" If he was going to be more like is brother, he had to go all the way.

The woman gave him a concerned look, slightly hesitant once again because of his age, but she depended on this job and knew her boss would not like it, if she refused to serve a paying customer, no matter how young. She had watched the kid since he sat down and from the beginning had noticed his distress and how it slowly disappeared with each additional beer, he drank. Maybe he just needed to forget for a while. Deciding, she would keep an eye on him she put the desired drinks in front of him, receiving the money and a sweet smile from him.

Sam eyed the small glass with the brown liquid standing in front of him. He had seen his brother do shots but had never tried one himself. Smelling the glass, he instantly pulled back from the sting it caused in his nostrils. Now he was not sure, if he really wanted to try this.

"You are doing it wrong!"

Sam looked up to find a young woman smiling at him. Picking up the glass, she lifted it up to her lips, throwing back her head and letting the liquor run down her throat.

Swallowing she said," See, that's how you have to do it! Now that I took yours, let me buy you another one!" Waiving at the bartender, she pointed at the empty glass, saying, "Two more of the same."

When the shots were set in front of them, it was apparent that the bartender disapproved. She had seen this girl in here on several occasions and every time she had caused trouble. Open worry for the obviously inexperienced young man showed in her eyes. It was too bad that he seemed to be too busy checking out the busty brunette beside him, to notice it. She was going to keep a close eye on this kid and interfere, if she felt he was getting in over his head. If nothing else, she could always call Dean, he had introduced the kid as his brother Sam last week and would certainly come to his rescue if necessary.

Sam couldn't believe what was happening to him. The woman in front of him was breathtaking and at least 10 years his senior. Unlike the girls from his former high school class, she was very curvy and her skin was flawless. It didn't hurt either, that her tight t-shirt revealed more than it hid. He wouldn't have expected someone like her to ever give him the time of day, now he found her talking to him.

Very well aware of the looks Sam gave her, her vibrant blue eyes locked in his hazel ones and she threw him another smile.

"Hi, I'm Joanna!"

After a moment of silence, she continued, "Isn't this the time when you would tell me your name?"

Coming out of his trance, he gave her a crooked smile. "My name is Sam!"

"Nice to meet you Sam, you are ready for this?" she asked, handing him one of the shots, while holding on to the other herself.

"I guess!"

"Okay, on the count of three, let's do it! One, two...”

Sam barely heard her counting, too busy trying not to embarrass himself as he lifted to the glass up and swallowed its contents in one sip.

Suddenly his throat was on fire and he couldn't breathe. Coughing and spitting, he leaned forwards trying to get is bearings. Just when he was sure that the flame would never burn down, he felt a bottle put in his hand.

"Drink this, belief me, it will help!"

Following the instruction without further thinking, just trying to rid himself of the terrible feeling, he sucked the liquid down. The coolness of the beer soothed his throat and made him feel human again. When he finally set the bottle down, he saw Joanna laugh. Feeling the heat rise in his face, he would have liked to crawl into a hole and disappear. Why couldn't he ever be as smooth as Dean?

Jo seemed to have read his thought because she gave him an encouraging look.

"Hey, don't worry, we all been there, you should have seen me the first time. It took me at least five tries before I had it down!"

"Really", Sam let out a relieved breath, "I thought it was just me!"

"Naw, this isn't as easy as it looks. Why don't we sit down at a table and I teach you!"

Once again waving, she called "Hey Sally, why don't you give me a bottle and two glasses!"

Taking a step closer, the bartender was ready to protest. This was enough, she had the feeling she knew exactly what Jo had in mind, but not if she could help it! Yet before she could say anything, she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Sally, you are needed in the back, now!"

Turning around, she saw the burly figure of Tom, the owner. Until now, he had been serving drinks at the poker game in the back room, a space that was reserved only for certain regular customers..

Sally knew if she protested, she would loose her job, so she left without a word. Turning before she opened the door, she watched as Tom handed Joanna the bottle of whiskey and the glasses.

She took the items without hesitation and reached with her other hand for Sam, pulling him across the room to a poorly lit corner table. The youngest Winchester felt dizzy but this time he wasn't sure, if it was from the alcohol or the close proximity of the intoxicating woman. This evening seemed to turn out much better than it had begun.

"Okay, let's try this again; I'm sure you will like it much better this time!"

She held the filled glass in front of him and he snatched it from her hand. He was not really looking forward to drinking the brown liquid again but also didn't want her to think he was just a stupid kid. Moreover, if he wasn't going to drink with her, she was probably going to loose interest in him. Therefore, he took a deep breath and drank it down as fast as he could.

Once again, his throat started to feel ablaze all the way down to his stomach but it did not take his breath away this time and after the initial burning had disappeared, a comfortable warmth crept all over his body.

"You are right, this wasn't all that bad but I'm still not sure I like the taste of the stuff!"

"After you have another few, you will get used to it!"

Jo filled the glass in front of him once again.

For a moment Sam‘s brain took over from his hormones and he said, "Maybe I should quit before I make a fool of myself!"

Looking down on the table, he didn't see the shadow of panic run across the woman's face before she caught herself again. She lifted up his chin and pressed a gentle yet passionate kiss on his lips that left the young man breathless and confused.

Still overwhelmed by the kiss, he took the glass in front of him and drank. The feeling from the last time repeated itself and he felt almost desperate. He would never get used to it and once again, the thought of his smooth brother stung in his mind. It also brought back memories of the events from earlier that evening.

"You could never make a fool of yourself, !" she whispered in his ear.

 Without thought, Sam drank the next shot that Joanna had already put in front of him.

The woman beside him let out a breath. This could have been bad. This kid couldn't get away from her she needed him. He wasn't quite ready but a couple more drinks and he would do anything she wanted him to.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

John Winchester was really getting worried. He hadn't heard anything from Dean and it was now over two hours since his argument with Sam. He loved both his sons and the constant arguments with his youngest had been difficult for him. It just seemed that ever since the kid had turned 14, he had been able to push all his buttons.

John had been really trying in the beginning but eventually he had given up. Sam needed to learn to be more like Dean. Follow orders and not question everything. His behavior and constant demands for explanations and freedom could be fatal during one of their hunts.

Shaking his head, he wondered where he had gone wrong with his youngest. He thought he had raised both his sons the same.

The door opening startled him out of his reverie, bringing him back to the present. He looked at his oldest, expecting Sam to trot in behind him. Disappointment showed in his eyes as he realized he wasn't with him.

"Where is Sam?"

Dean looked almost defeated.

"I couldn't find him, dad. I looked in every place he would usually go to, called all his friends, even went over to the hospital. No one has seen him."

He flopped down on the couch. This just couldn't be happening. His baby brother was usually so predictable, always running to one of his usual hiding places when he needed to be alone or sort things out. Then he would come to him, the big brother and cry on his shoulder. Only this time was different, Sammy was nowhere to be found. Panic started to creep up in him.

"Dad, you don't think...." unable to finish the sentence, he left it hanging in the air.

"No, Dean", his father assured him, "there have been no signs of demon activity in the area in two years now. Trust me; I keep a close eye on these things!"

“I know you do, this is just so not like Sammy!"

"I know", the older man agreed, "That's why we got to find him!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sam looked in fascination at Jo. He felt like he was floating and a warm tingling flooded his body. His extremities felt heavy, yet light and his sight seemed to be limited to what was straight ahead of him, which happened to be this hot chick. And now she seemed to have split in two.

He tried to analyze what was happening to him but found that he couldn't really focus. Everything appeared distant, even his troubles with his dad suddenly didn't matter.

Yeah, he remembered but they were just out of reach, too far away to hurt anymore.

The mandatory class about the dangers and effects of alcohol sprung to his mind. This is what they had talked about; that it made you not care although you knew it was wrong. For a second he felt like he could grab the truth - he had to quit now - but then it slipped from him again and he picked up another shot.

"You are b...b...beau...pretty! Wow, somefing wong wif my tong!" he slurred.

Jo smiled, the kid was so wasted, he probably couldn't even remember his own name. He was perfect for her, he hadn't even noticed, that after the first couple of shots, she had only poured for him and never drank anything herself. He was so naïve, she felt almost sorry for him. Smiling sweetly, she kissed his cheek.

"Thank you, Sam, you are pretty handsome yourself!"

Seeing the grin on his face, she continued, "I got something for you, something that will prevent you from feeling sick in the morning!"

She held her hand out, showing him two red capsules, which she had pulled, out of a bag in her purse. She could tell Sam had trouble seeing what she was holding. Dread rose in her, maybe she had let him drink too much and he would pass out before the drug could work.

This would be horrible; she didn't want to start all over again. She was anxious to try the stuff herself. Her dealer had told her it would make her feel really good but she didn't trust the guy. Her policy was never try anything new until she had seen the effects on someone else. After she had seen her best friend die using a new drug, it was worth the extra money. This was not going to happen to her.

She had to keep the kid awake, at least for another 15 to 20 minutes, that was how long it was suppose to take until the effects kicked in.

Sam was still trying to determine what Joanna was showing him. His vision was blurry, maybe he needed to get his eyes checked. He heard her saying something about not getting sick so he figured it was probably Aspirin or something. He attempted to take the pills out of her hand but had trouble getting a hold of them.

Laughing she stopped him, "Let me get them for you. Open wide!"

She popped them into Sam's mouth, handing him her beer to wash them down with. Now she just had to wait.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sally couldn't keep her mind of the Winchester kid. She really had a bad feeling. Finally she excused herself from the back room, pretending to go to the bathroom. Peering into the main room, she saw the kid sitting at a table, the brunette woman still with him. He looked pretty out of it.

Using the pay phone in the corner by the rest rooms, she dialed the number that Dean had given her some time ago. It was intended to let him know about any possible victims for his pool hustling.

She had taken a liking to the young man, who always treated her nicely and even tipped her. This was something she didn't experience very often anymore. Most patrons just wanted to drink and flirt and at age 49 nobody was interested in her anymore. Dean might not have been flirting with her but he always smiled and talked to her. After all, the guys he hassled usually deserved it. 

Chapter 3

Dean Winchester was trying to figure out where else to look for his brother. His father was not very helpful in the quest and both men were starting to get frustrated. The younger was ready to return to his car and just drive around, hoping that in the process he would get lucky and come across his brother, when his cell phone went off.

Tearing it out of his jeans pocket, he screamed, "Sam, where are you?"

Disappointment crossed his face when he heard a female voice.

"Sally, I don't have time tonight!"

"What, Sam is where?"

John Winchester listened up, when he heard his youngest name.

"Where is he?" he mouthed.

Dean waved him off, too busy to listen to the woman on the other side of the line.

"He did what? I'll be right there!"

Stuffing the phone back in his pocket, he grabbed the keys. His father gave him a questioning look, waiting for an explanation.

"No time, dad, just come with me, I explain in the car!"

Both men ran out and jumped into the Impala.

As Dean started the engine and drove off, he explained to his father, "Sam is at ‘Tom's‘, Sally said, he is with this chick that she feels spells trouble. She also told me that Sam looks like he is totally wasted!"

John was speechless, this sounded so out of character for his youngest and it scared him.

"Can't you drive faster?" he questioned his son, not realizing that Dean already broke every speed record ever set.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Joanna let out a relieved breath; it appeared as if Sam was starting to rouse a little more. The drug she had given him was an upper and it obviously was starting to kick in.

He was still no more focused then before but where earlier he had hardly been able to keep his head up, he now leaned back in his chair and gave her a crooked grin.

This was getting her really excited. If everything worked out, she just needed to observe him for another half hour and then she could get out of here. What happened to him after this was no concern of hers.

Sam didn't really know what was happening to him, just that he felt really tired. His body felt weak and his head seemed to weigh a ton. Thinking was not an option anymore; he was just trying not to fall off the chair. It was like an endless fight that he was bound to loose.

Then without warning he felt the change, it was like a burst of energy surged through him, bringing him back to life. He felt light, almost like gravity disappeared.

He leaned back in the chair and tried to analyze the strange sensation this movement caused. Looking up, he noticed that Joanna still had a twin sister and both of them were still blurry. Something had changed so, because now there was also a colorful aura around them. It looked funny and he couldn't help but grin. He wondered how she did this but clear thought was still just out his reach.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dean brought the Impala to an abrupt stop in front of ‘Tom's'. Not wanting to loose time with finding a parking space, he just double-parked and stormed out of the car and into the bar, closely followed by his father.

It took him but a short moment to spot his younger brother seemingly relaxed leaning back in his chair, starring at the woman across from him. Taking in the scene, he let out a tense breath. This didn't seem to be as bad as he had expected it to be. Still, his voice sounded like thunder across the room, as he called out for his sibling.

"Sam," stepping closer, he continued, "what the hell do you think you are doing here?"

The younger Winchester turned his head, and then started to get up. Dean now could tell how unsteady he was and the dread he had felt before returned. Taking another step towards him, he was still too slow to prevent the other from stumbling and falling forward, landing face down on the floor.

Instantly he was down on his knees. The shaking and noises coming from Sam scared him. Gently he laid his hand on his shoulder.

"You okay Sammy?"

Although he didn't get an immediate answer, he now could tell, that the noise was a giggle. He threw a questioning look at his father, who now had joint him on the floor and kneeled on Sam's other side.

"I think it is much worse than we thought!" the elder responded, then turned to his other son. "Come on Sam; let's get you up and out of here!"

He took him by the shoulder and turned him around, getting him to sit up in the process.

Dean looked his brother over, making sure he really didn't get hurt in the fall. He couldn't fail to notice his glassy unfocused eyes and the swaying of his upper body, even with support of the older man.

"H...Hey, w...what you doing h...here and why is sere f...f...four of you?"

"What do you thing we are doing here, you idiot!" Dean was getting really angry. Sammy had really blown it. He was wasted beyond understanding.

Ready to give his brother a put down, he stopped as he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't waste your breath Dean, now is not the time for lectures, he wouldn't understand a word you say!" John was just as mad but for some reason was able to keep his cool. "Help me get him up!"

Together they assisted the youngest Winchester on his feet. Sam shook their support off, now turning back towards Joanna, who was still sitting at the table, trying to look as invisible as possible to the two angry men.

Shanna, meet my b...brofer and fafer!"

He then turned to Dean, his legs suddenly feeling very rubbery. As they gave out from under him, it was only thanks to his brother's fast reaction that he didn't end up kissing the floor again.

"Fanks," he slurred, "don't feel fo good!"

He leaned his head against the order's shoulder for support.

"No really, I wonder why that would be." Dean's response came out more sarcastic then he wanted it to be.

In the meantime, John Winchester gave the woman at the table a look that told her she had messed with the wrong guy. She was in deep trouble here and wouldn't come out of it unscathed unless she could make quick exit.

"Hey, I had nothing to do with this, he came to me!" she said, knowing instantly this was a lame excuse.

"You trying to tell me, my son, who usually doesn't even know what to say around girls his own age, came on to you, a woman at least 10 years older than him? You got to be more stupid than you look, if you think for even a second I would believe this!"

He was getting angrier by the minute. There was something very wrong here. A woman like this didn't put up with a geeky teenager without some ulterior motives. He was ready to get into it, when he was interrupted.

Dean had felt his brother go slack in his arms and now was supporting his full weight. He was about same size as his brother and although the younger was much skinnier, after just having shot up several more inches in the last few months, it was still difficult to hold up his limp body.

"Dad, help me out here, Sammy passed out!"

John whipped around, taking the gangly body out of his oldest arms. Now that the two of them could see Sam's face, they noticed the bluish tinge to his lips.

"He is not breathing!"

He lowered his burden to the ground, making sure to lay his head down gently. Clearing his airway, he gave his son two-rescue breath before checking for a pulse.

"Dean, I need your help, his heart stopped too!"

Like in a trance Dean let himself fall to the floor in front of his brother's outstretched body. On autopilot, he followed his father's commands, giving compressions, counting without thinking and stopping only when it was time for the other to give more breaths. After several minutes, the two men changed positions, Dean now giving the breaths and checking for a pulse.

This couldn't be happening; this was his baby brother. He couldn't be dying. He, the older brother was supposed to protect him and he hadn't been there when Sammy needed him. If there was a god, whoever and where ever he was, he couldn't let this happen. Sam had to live.

His fingers trembled when it was time for the next pulse check and he had to reposition his fingers several times.

‘Thump, thump', initially Dean thought he was wrong but finally he was convinced that what he felt underneath his finger tips was really a heartbeat. Slightly distant and thread but definitely there. A relieved smile, that didn't quite reached his eyes, slipped across his face.

"Dad, he has a heartbeat!"

The older man took his hands of his son's chest and watched for it to rise. Disappointment rose, when the expected movement didn't happen.

"He is still not breathing on his own. Continue to give him breaths, I call 911!" he instructed his older son, getting up to a standing position.

"I already did, they should be here soon!"

Sally was now standing beside Joanna, holding her down on her chair. She had seen that the other woman had tried to leave and decided to prevent her from doing so.

"Thanks!"

"I also found something interesting in her purse!" she held up a small plastic bag with several red capsules. "I knew she was trouble but never really could proof it! I bet she gave some of them to your kid!"

The eldest Winchester stepped forward and grabbed the bag from Sally's hand, than he took a hold of Joanna's upper arm, pulling her up from her chair.

"Did you give any of these to my son?" his voice trembled with anger.

The intensity, with which he looked into her eyes, told her that she was in extreme danger.

"Y...yes", she stammered, realizing that lying would only make matters worse.

"What are they?"

"I don't know, I just got them tonight!"

"You mean, you buy drugs and feed them to innocent kids and don't even know what they do?"

For a moment, Jo's arrogance got the better of her and she answered, "Hey, better someone else dies than me!"

The instant she finished the sentenced she knew she would have done better to just stay silent. The hand that was still wrapped around her arm now squeezed it even harder and pulled her very close.

"If my son dies, you will wish, you would have taken all those pills yourself, I will make sure of it!"

John's voice was a mere whisper but that just added to the seriousness of his threat. Making sure she had gotten the message, he let go of her and walked back over to his sons.

Dean was still breathing for his brother and was looking completely exhausted. John kneeled down, ready to relief him, when he saw the door being opened. The paramedics had finally arrived.

From then on, everything seemed to go really fast. The medics intubated Sam and started an IV before they carefully transferred him onto a gurney and from there into the waiting ambulance.

Both men were held back from following the youngest into the emergency vehicle with the explanation that there was no room for them. Dean protested loudly, not wanting to be separated from his brother. Finally, John dragged him off to the Impala, deposited him into the passenger seat before running around to the other side, and slid into the driver's seat.

Quietly he drove them to the hospital. Both of them knew they were in for a long night.

Chapter 4

Three hours later found Dean wearing holes in the waiting room floor. His father had given up pacing about a half hour ago and now sat on one of the cushioned chairs. He was trying to read one of the worn out magazines he had found on the table.

Finally, he gave up the attempt, well knowing his mind was too busy with worrying about Sam. He laid the magazine back on the table and leaned back.

“How can you be so relaxed, while Sammy is dying in there?”

Dean’s voice was more filled with desperation, than anger and when John stood up, he caught a glimpse of tears shimmering in his eyes.

“Your brother is going to be okay Dean; you have to believe that, we have to believe that!

We can’t give up on him now!”

He knew his words were meant to encourage his son just as much as himself and he were not sure, if he believed in them.

“Mr. Winchester?” a voice from the door interrupted him.

“Yes!” both Dean and John turned in unison.

“I am Dr. Johnson, I treated Sam!”

The middle aged Doctor held his hand out but found it ignored. Being used to anxious families, he continued, “We were finally able to stabilize him but it was touch and go for a while and he is still not out of the woods yet!”

“He is going to be alright, isn’t he?” Dean’s voice trembled.

There was a slight hesitation as the physician tried to come up with the right words.

“I think, you have a right to hear the truth and it is not going to be easy. At this time, I really can’t tell you if Sam is going to survive. We have to wait until the drugs work their way out of his system!”

“What do you mean by ‘wait’; can’t you give him some kind of antidote or something?”

Dean felt the anxiety rise at him as he starred at the man in front of him. Dr. Johnson chose his words carefully, before he continued. “We still don’t have the analysis results; with means we don’t know the composition of the drugs. What we do know is that we are dealing with some kind of upper that has contains some elements related to LSD but not the same. It seems very unstable and unpredictable.”

“So when are you going to have the final results?” John Winchester still attempted to hold on to a positive attitude.

“It will probably be a couple days. We started the analysis here and when we figured out, that we didn’t have the facilities to finish it, rushed the rest of the capsules to the state crime lab in the capital city. In the meantime, we are treating Sam’s symptoms to the best of our abilities!”

There was a pregnant pause in the room as the two Winchesters exchanged looks. Finally, the older broke the silence.

“So, tell us what is happening to my son and what are you doing about it besides waiting?”

“Okay!” Dr. Johnson took a deep breath, this was going to be more difficult than usual, the two men in front of him would not let him off the hook easily.

“Alcohol acts as a downer, it slows down everything in the body, including breathing. When Sam’s system was hit by the drug, it initially counteracted the effects of the alcohol, at least to some degree. Eventually his system couldn’t deal with the mixture anymore and it crashed. During the last few hours, we had to restart his heart several times. Now that his alcohol level is starting to drop, we think we finally have this under control.”

He took another breath, remembering the dramatic fight he and his team had fought, trying to save the life of Sam Winchester. A shiver ran through him. It never got easier, not even after 15 years of working in this place, especially not if the patient was this young.

“Because we don’t know the exact composition of the drug, we are not sure what to expect. At this time, he is still not breathing on his own and his blood pressure is dangerously low, which is a real concern. You see, as low as his pressure is, his organs are not being properly transfused with blood and his could lead to a shut down, especially in his kidney function!”

Dean and John looked at each other, unsure, if they wanted to hear any more. This was like a nightmare only they could not just wake up from it.

“Can we see him?” the older Winchester’s voice had a pleading quality to it, which made Dean realize just how distraught his father really was. John Winchester didn’t plead he gave orders.

The doctor responded without hesitation, “You have 24 hour visiting privileges! The only thing I ask from you is that you stay out of our way if we need to work on him!”

Eager to be with Sam, both men hastily agreed.

Chapter 5

Dean had thought, that nothing could shock him anymore tonight, not after what he had just heard from the doctor. However, when he entered his brothers ICU room, a shiver ran down his spine.

Sammy seemed lost in between the white sheets. The only thing with any color on him was his dark mop of hair. The ventilator made a swishing sound with every breath it forced into the young man’s lungs and it sounded almost like the heart monitor beeped in accompaniment. A pump pushed a steady flow of fluids into his veins, while a clip on his finger monitored the oxygen concentration in his blood.

A blood pressure cuff was wrapped around one of his upper arms, that right at this moment started to check the pressure again. A few seconds later the results blinked on the monitor - 68/40.

Dean didn’t have to be a medical expert to know, that this wasn’t good. Looking over to his father, he noticed that the older man obviously had made the same observation.

John moved beside his youngest and held on to his left hand, which wasn’t invaded by an IV line, while his oldest just stood there, and closed his eyes.

Maybe, just maybe, if he didn’t look at the scene before him, it would not be real. He would open his eyes and his geeky little brother would stand in front of him, scolding him for finding, another virus infested website that ultimately would wipe their computer hard drive clean. Alternatively, he would find him engrossed in a book about ancient religious ceremonies, while all his friends were busy taking their girlfriends to the Fourth of July celebration.

However, Dean knew it wouldn’t be this easy, it never was for the Winchesters, so he took a deep breath and opened his eyes again.

“You really need a hair cut Sammy!” He gently stroked the hair out of his brother’s eyes, not aware of the tears that ran down his cheeks.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Almost 24 hours later found the two older Winchesters still holding vigil at the youngest side. The day had brought changes but none to the better.

Sam’s blood pressure had continued to stay low and none of the medication the medial team tried had changed that. Around noon, Dr. Johnson had appeared with some lab results in his hands. His face had been grim, as he had told them that Sam’s kidneys had totally shut down and that if he was going to have a chance at survival, they would have to start emergency dialysis right then.

John Winchester hadn’t thought twice about giving permission. After all, this was his son’s life on the line.

Therefore, they had rolled another machine into the room and had connected Sam to it. And for the next six hours they sat and watched as Sam’s blood flowed out of his body through one line, into the dialysis machine and back into his body through another. Moreover, all this time they had been hopeful, that maybe their youngest would wake up after his blood had been cleansed. Yet after the procedure had been finished nothing had changed.

Sam’s blood pressure was still as low as before and the Dr. Johnson had told them, they would have to repeat the procedure the next day.

That had been when Dean had asked, if his brothers kidneys were ever going to work on their own again. The doctor had given him a sad shrug and responded, “We are hopeful but we really won’t know until we get the drug analysis back!”

SN SN SN SN SN

Now the two men were sitting beside Sam’s bed again, watching his chest rise and fall and looking for any signs of improvement. Neither one had said a single word for at least the last two hours.

It was John, who finally broke the silence, “At least his heart has been stable, that’s more than the doctors expected!”

“Yeah, but for how long? Damn it, dad, this is Sammy we are talking about, anything that can go wrong will.” Dean exploded, unable to contain his anguish any longer.

John Winchester was not an emotional man, he had lost too much to let his feelings show but at this moment, he wanted to pull his oldest in an embrace. Only the knowledge that it most likely would scare Dean more than comfort him prevented him from doing so. Therefore, he settled for putting his hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t give up on him yet, Dean. Sammy is a Winchester!”

The older man was unsure how much longer he could hold up this farce of confidence. To see his youngest fighting for his life and his oldest in so much anguish made him feel helpless and he didn’t like being helpless. It made him want to break down, scream and throw something across the room before crawling into a hole. However, he knew this wasn’t an option, not if he didn’t want to loose both of his sons.

So instead, he put a smile on his face as he squeezed Dean’s shoulder in encouragement.

“We Winchesters are fighters, we don’t just lie down and die, your brother isn’t any different there!”

“Okay Sammy, you heard dad, you can beat his!” Dean was once again facing his brother. “But if you think you have to give up just to prove him wrong, I will kick your skinny ass, Bitch!”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next day brought no improvement either. John Winchester had left the Hospital for the first time since Sam had been admitted. It had done so reluctantly and only because he had gotten a call to come to the local police station to give his statement.

This was one thing he had hoped to avoid. The Winchesters had always tried to fly underneath the police radar. Their activities, which involved credit card frauds and some other not quite legal things, always put them in danger to be discovered.

Besides, John was angry enough about what had been done to his son, that he really wanted to get the ones involved punished. He would have liked to do the punishing himself but his sons were more important. Sam needed Dean by his side and Dean in turn needed John to pull him back up when he lost hope. He also knew that Sam needed him, no matter how often they had butted heads.

This was the main reason, why he had left things up to the police this time.

Dean had been told to give a statement too but had adamantly refused to leave his younger brother. Finally, they had agreed to send an officer to interview him at Sam’s bedside.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Two hours later the older Winchester left the police station. He had found out several things after he finished giving his statement.

First was that Tom Peters had lost his alcohol license and had to close his ‘Sports Bar’.

Second, Joanna Boudreaux had been taken into custody the same night and charged with giving alcohol to a minor and attempted manslaughter. The next morning the district attorney had offered to let her off easy, if she testified against her dealer. She had asked for some time for consideration and then her lawyer had bailed her out not long after. Since then she had disappeared and was nowhere to be found.

To John the second fact was not acceptable. Therefore, instead of driving back to the hospital, he guided his black truck out of town. He needed to pull his thoughts together and think about the next step and he could do that best while driving.

It took only a short time before he pulled the vehicle over to the side and took his cell phone from his pocket. The number he needed was in his speed dial and was available to him with the touch of a button. His breath hitched, when he waited for someone to pick up. Finally, after the third ring he heard a familiar voice. Relief flooded him as he responded, “Caleb, I need a favor!”

Chapter 6

After his father left, Dean sat down beside Sam’s bed again. It had been difficult before but at least he had the older man’s support to lean on. His mere presence always seemed to give him strength. Now that he was alone with his brother the whooshing of the ventilator and constant beeping of the monitor started to get to him. They appeared to whisper to him how fragile Sam’s life was and that it still could end in a split second.

Once again tears were visible in his eyes as he took in the younger ones appearance. His skin was pasty and had an almost grey tint to it that only deepened around his eyes. His usually wild mob of hair was hanging limply around him, doing nothing to improve the threat of impending doom. Dean finally broke down; he buried his face in the sheets of the bed and let his tears flow freely.

After several minutes he lifted his head and wiped his face with his sleeve. Trying to pull himself together, he took Sam’s flaccid hand into his.

“I’m sorry Sammy that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most. You should have never felt as if you couldn’t talk to me. I really let you down you this time!”

There was a pregnant pause before he continued. “I should have supported you or at least given you a valid reason why you shouldn’t go to Stanford. However, no, once again, I messed up and so instead of talking to me you saw no other way out, than to try and drink your problems away. Hell, if it wouldn't have been for me taking you there the week before, you wouldn’t have even known about that place. I surely make a fine example of a big brother!”

For a fleeting moment it seemed to Dean like there was a frown on Sam’s face but then it was gone and he was sure he had just imagined it.

“Great, now I start to hallucinate! See what you are doing to me? “He took a breath before he continued, “Sammy, you can’t die, don’t you understand, I love you little brother. You have to come back, please!”

Again he looked at his brother’s face, hoping maybe the movement from earlier would repeat itself and prove that it hadn’t been just a figment of his imagination. However, there was nothing that indicated any change in his condition.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Two hours later John Winchester returned, anxious to be back with his sons. He knew both well enough to at least have an idea what kind of guilt Dean was putting himself through.

Seeing the expression on his oldest face told him he had been right with his suspicion.

“Dean, what happened was not your fault. Sam always trusted you!”

“Yeah, well, he obviously didn’t trust me this time; otherwise he wouldn’t be here, fighting for his life!”

Dean got up from the chair and turned away from his father.

“If anyone is to blame, it is me! After all I slapped him. Dean, I never laid a hand on either one of you before. Although sometimes I sure wanted to, because both were quite the tricksters when you were little and knew exactly how to test me. The good thing was, you also knew to not cross the line and then usually made me laugh!”

There was a short pause in which John had to grin face as he remembered his sons’ mischievous deeds throughout their early years. Their lives had been chaotic and restless with all the traveling and hunting going on but at least from time to time they still had found time to be normal boys.

Suddenly his face turned serious again, the pain clearly visible on it.

“It is my fault that your brother is in this place. I put him here!”

This time it was Dean, who put a comforting hand on the others shoulder. “Dad, whatever we did, we didn’t put Sammy in this bed. That honor goes to that bitch Joanna.”

John let his eyes drift over to where is youngest laid and studied the pale expressionless face for a moment. He then took a deep breath, which almost sounded like a sob before he did the unimaginable. He finally gave in to his desires and put his strong arms around Dean, holding him tight like his life depended on it.

The younger man was astonished and shocked, he couldn’t even remember the last time his father had hugged him, if ever. For the longest time he just stood there motionless before his need for comfort took over and he leaned into the embrace, returning it whole-heartedly.

For what seemed hours, though it was really only a few minutes, the two men stood, letting the cooped up emotions of years passed flow freely and give one another the strength to go on.

Finally both let go at the same time, walking over to their youngest bedside. This moment of tenderness between father and son would never be spoken of. It was not the way of the two eldest. As Dean would say ‘chick flick moments were left to Sammy’.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After quietly sitting with Sam for several minutes, Dean started up the conversation again.

So how did it go at the cop’s? Did you find out anything?”

John filled him in the details. As he finished the last sentence, he was interrupted by his oldest. “How in the world could that happen?”

Dean’s voice trembled with anger as he jumped up and the chair, he had been sitting on fell over with a crash.

“How could they just let her go? She almost killed Sammy, he might still die!”

Dean was still shaking all over; he didn’t comprehend why his father was so calm. Yet, when he looked in the older man’s eyes, he suddenly understood. There was an unbelievable amount of determination in them. They told him, that his father was already working on finding the woman and was not going to give up until he did.

“You already have a plan, don’t you?”

For a moment the older man smiled, then he said, “I called Caleb; he is going to handle it for us!”

“You are not going to handle it yourself?” Dean was disappointed.

“Son, I really would like to get my hand on that bitch right now and squeeze the life out of her, but I know I am way to angry to get my mind together and find her. All I can think about is your brother and you right now. If this was some spirit, we are talking about, I could do it blindly, but not with this.”

He took a pause, trying to collect himself. “I might not always show it but I would go to hell for either one of you!”

Chapter 7

The next morning it was still dark outside, when the door to Sam’s ICU room quietly opened. For a moment the tall man stood quietly in the doorframe, taking in the almost peaceful picture, which was playing out in front of him.

John Winchester was leaning back in a not to comfortable looking recliner by the window, his mouth half-open and soft snoring noises could be heard coming from him. In spite of the second recliner, that was right beside him, Dean had chosen a hard plastic chair on the other side of his brother’s bed. His upper body was lying on the bed with his arms laid over the younger ones legs, as if even in sleep he needed the comfort of contact with him.

The man smiled and carefully moved closer to the bed, well aware that any noise would startle the two men awake. This was something he wanted to avoid at any cost. He could imagine how little sleep they had gotten during the last few days and that every minute counted.

He stopped at the head of the bed and gently stroked Sam’s cheek. It had been nearly a year since he had seen the Winchesters last and at that time the youngest had been a gangly teenager that was full of energy and too questions. To see him lifeless and pasty like now broke the man’s heart.

Putting his right hand on the young man’s forehead and his left in the air, he bowed his head and quietly recited a prayer.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

John Winchester was not sure what woke him up. As he slowly opened his eyes, he became conscious of a tall figure standing by his youngest son’s side. His initial instinct was to jump up but as sleep fled further, he recognized the man. At the same time, he realized that Dean had woken up also but very obviously his reflexes had been faster than his consciousness. Flying forward, pulling the man back from the bed and tackling the man to the ground all happened in one smooth movement. His oldest was already on top of him and ready to throw the first punch before John could ever interfere, when suddenly it seemed like an invisible force held his fist back.

“Father Jim?”

“Yes, it is me, Dean!” The priest replied. “Now would you get off me, please? The floor is not very comfortable, especially not with your added weight on me!”

“Sorry!” Dean stood up and held his hand out to help the other man off the ground. His face was flushed with embarrassment.

“It’s okay; I should have known better, then to sneak in here, while you were sleeping.”

Now the older Winchester had made his way over and slapped his friend on the shoulder. “Jim, what are you doing here?”

“Caleb thought you could use some encouragement!” the priest responded.

“I’m so glad you are here, Sammy can use all the support he can get!”

John was clearly happy to see his old friend, while Dean still felt a little uncomfortable about his earlier reaction. However, the other man made him feel at ease fast by stepping back and looking at him with seemingly critical eyes.

“So tell me Dean, still having as much success with the ladies as last year?”

He grinned before he responded, “Father, a gentleman doesn’t tell!”

“Well, I guess, that means yes!”

John Winchester smiled; it was good to see his oldest lighten up for the first time in days, even if it was just for a short moment.

At that time, a nurse coming in to change Sam’s IV brought them back to reality.

“So, how is Sam doing? Caleb told me what happened!”

It was Dean, who answered the question, “They still can’t tell us if he is going to make it! I know, they are not going to say it yet, but I think they have given up on him!” His voice almost broke as he finished.

The priest’s heart went out as he heard the defeat in the young man’s voice. He knew the boys since they had been little. Sam was only a toddler, when he had met their father. He had seen them grow up, been part of their lives and he loved them as if they were family. John Winchester was like a brother to him.

“Dean, don’t give up, miracles happen every day!” his voice was gentle yet determined

“Look, I know you have to believe that stuff, but we don’t! What beats me is how you still can after all the things you have seen! Dad and I for that part know better than to think there is an anything good out there. Darkness and evil are everywhere and all we can do is try to get rid of some of it!”

Father Jim shook his head; the boy in front of him was too much like his father. He could not even remember how many times they had the same intense discussion.

“If there was no light in all the darkness surrounding us, I wouldn’t be able to go on. I have seen all the evil you have and more, but I have also seen miracles happen that go beyond understanding. You and your father might not belief it, but I know someone in this room that does.”

He turned back to Sam’s bed, intent to finish the prayer that was so rudely interrupted earlier. Dean was ready to stop him again but his father held him back.

“Jim is right, just because we don’t belief it, doesn’t mean others can’t. I think it would mean a lot to your brother, if Jim would pray for him!”

“Well, yeah, I guess it can’t hurt!”

Right now Dean would have tried anything, if it just would bring back his brother.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was early afternoon, when Dr. Johnson entered the room. Sam was almost finished his third dialysis treatment. Jim had dragged Dean out to meet with Caleb for lunch. It had almost taken force to make him to go but John had finally succeeded by convincing him, that he needed some alone time with his youngest son.

Therefore, John was alone with Sam when the doctor arrived. He instantly knew that something important had happened and stood up in expectation.

“Why don’t you sit back down Mr. Winchester, I have to talk to you about Sam!”

He waited until the other sat down again, placing himself on the chair across.

“We finally got the analysis results back! The bad news is that it really doesn’t help us. There is no antidote to the compounds. The good news is that Sam’s last blood test shows, that most of the drug made its way out of his system.”

“That is good, isn’t it?” John tried to be optimistic yet couldn’t deny the anxiety he was feeling.

“It is but what is not good is that his condition hasn’t improved yet. His kidney function hasn’t come back yet and looking at the rest of his labs I have to tell you, that we are now looking at the beginning of a shutdown of all of his other systems too.”

Dr. Johnson was having a difficult time to convey to the father in front of him what he had to. It just never got any easier. Finally he just took a deep breath and said, “Mr. Winchester, John, your son is going to die!”

“Noooooo…!” the scream came from the door.

Without being noticed, Dean and Father Jim had returned from their lunch and had overheard the last part of the conversation. It was Dean, who had screamed. Now he rushed over to his brother’s bed, lifted Sam’s listless body up and hugged him tightly.

John was ready to go after him in an attempt to prevent him from accidentally hurting Sam, when his eyes looked with the priest.

“Don’t John, let him be! He needs this now and I don’t think he can hurt Sammy anymore.”

The older Winchester listened as his oldest pleaded with his brother not to leave him for a moment. Then Dean’s tone suddenly changed from pleading to anger.

“You will not die, Sam, do you understand? Dying is not an option that is an order, not a request!”

After that he just quietly held his brother in his arms, rocking him quietly as he used to do when Sam was still a toddler.

John watched in horror as at that moment it dawned on him, that he wasn’t losing one but two sons. And Father Jim sent a silent cry of anger to heaven, before himself pleaded with the God he served for Sam’s life.

Chapter 8

Dusk was settling outside, the last rays of the sun just setting and bringing a golden twilight into the otherwise dark hospital room. It seemed that neither the two Winchesters nor Father Jim had the desire to change anything by turning on the artificial light in the room.

The lamp above the bed was turned on only for the short time that the nurse came in and checked on her patient. In the past all the nurses loved to spend time in the room with their handsome patient and his attractive father and brother. Now anyone that entered hurried out again as fast as possible in an attempt to escape the anticipation of death that seemed to hover in the air like a vampire ready to strike.

None of the three men had spoken for the last several hours. There was just nothing to be said anymore. John and Dean had argued with Dr. Johnson and one of the other staff physicians about Sam’s condition for several hours. Finally the doctor had put all medical reports in front of them and read them word by word, translating medical terms as he went. He had assured them, that he had called in every specialist available to make sure they had explored all options.

All of this still had failed to convince the two men. In their minds Sam dying was not a viable option. John had finally agreed to stop the dialysis and IV treatments for now. He had however insisted to keep Sam on the ventilator. He was not about to kill his own son. Not while there was still hope.

Since then Dean had refused to leave his brother’s side. Jim and John had not even been able to get him to eat any of the sandwiches the nurse had brought in for them. He held on to Sam’s hand and talked to him in a voice to quiet for anyone else in the room to hear. John was sitting on the other side of the bed, watching his sons intently. His heart was ready to burst from the pain in it. Pain, that seemed to grow by the minute.

Father Jim Murphy had initially prayed silently at Sam’s side, now he was sitting in one of the recliners, trying to contain the tears that kept rolling down his face. Looking at the youngest Winchester’s face he could see the golden rays of the sinking sun caress his face and hair, giving him an angelic out almost of this world appearance. The priest knew that this family had always evolved around their youngest. He was what held them together and kept them fighting. Without Sam, there wouldn’t be a reason for them to go on. It had started with him and it would end with him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dean had finally fallen asleep still holding on to Sam’s hand, his head on the bed like the night before. Now, as he slowly came back to awareness, he was not quite sure what woke him up. At last it dawned at him, that the alarms on the monitor and vent were going off. At the same time the light was turned on and before he knew it he found himself outside the room, holding on to his father and the Father Jim.

Confusion and fear entered his mind, as he looked at the two other men for an explanation.

“What is happening to Sammy?”

As he looked from one to the other, he could tell that neither one had an answer for him.

Fear gripped him even harder and seemed to constrict his chest. Struggling to breath, his legs felt like rubber and wouldn’t support him any longer. Before he fell he felt strong hands grab and support him. It took a moment before the urgent voice of his father split the fog of his brain.

“Breath Dean, you have to take slow, deep breaths.”

Although John felt like giving in to his own panic attack, he was able to give his voice a soothing quality in an attempt to calm his oldest. With Jim’s help he guided him to a group of chairs at the end of the hallway and assisted him to sit down. Part of him longed to with his youngest but he knew that there was nothing he could do for Sam right now. Therefore, he concentrated on the fight to keep his first-born from loosing himself in the panic attack that had a strong grip at him.

Father Jim hovered over both of them; he realized anything he could say would not be enough. So he closed his eyes and prayed with an intensity that he thought he lost years ago. When he finally looked up, he found himself gazing into the eyes of the physician on duty.

“John, Dean!” he gently shook the two men.

“I am Dr. Reddy. Sam is alive!” Hearing the sighs of relief, he continued. “I have to explain to you why the alarms went off. He triggered the ventilator and continued to fight against. I did not want to sedate him to the point that his breathing would stop, so I decided to give it a try and extubate him. We put an oxygen mask on him for now and if his levels stay stable we will wean him down to a nasal cannula.”

“He is awake?” Dean could hardly contain his excitement.

“Well, no, he is still in a coma but it is not as deep as before.”

“Okay, so what about his kidney’s and the rest of his organs are they going to be okay and when will he wake up?”

John silently smiled as he listened to the questions bubble out of Dean’s mouth. Even though he knew that very likely Sammy was not out of the woods yet, it made him happy to see his oldest find new hope.

“Obviously his kidneys have been putting out a very small amount of urine for the first time in several days. I just ordered some extensive lab tests so we can see how the rest of his body is functioning. We should know in a few hours. Until then, why don’t you return to Sam’s room, I have the feeling your presence there had a lot to do with this amazing turn of events.”

Even before Dr. Reddy had finished, Dean was running down the hall back to his brother’s side. His father shook the physician’s hand and voiced his thanks before he also followed. Jim Murphy took his time walking down the hallway, mumbling a quiet thank you to heaven as he did

Chapter 9

It was 6 AM when Dr. Reddy entered Sam’s room. He had just received the results of the blood tests back from the lab. Knowing what the Winchesters had been through in the last few days, he decided to immediately let them know what he found out. He noticed Father Jim was the only one who was wide-awake holding vigil over the three sleeping Winchester men.

John and Dean each were holding on to either of Sam’s hands, their heads on the bed, perched on top of their arms. The soft snoring that came from both of them spoke of the exhaustions they were experiencing. The doctor nodded to the priest. He hated to wake them but knew he would be on the receiving end of their wrath, if he would delay sharing the news with them.

Clearing his voice he put a gentle hand on the oldest Winchester’s shoulder, eliciting an immediate response. John sat up straight, ready to strike out until he became aware of his surroundings. Feeling the shifting of the mattress, Dean also awoke. Years of hunting had honed the two men for this instantaneous response.

“I am sorry for waking you up but I thought you would like to know the test results as soon as possible.” Dr. Reddy apologized.

“You are right, thanks for waking us.” John gave him an expectant look.

“Sam’s renal function tests have shown a slight improvement. His liver functions are almost normal again and the rest of his blood tests are also promising.”

“So he is going to be okay?” Dean’s voice did little to hide his excitement.

For the first time there was a smile on the physicians face. “Without making any promises, I think Sam has a good chance. It is still going to be a long road but I feel the odds are finally in his favor.”

Dean felt like hugging the man but instead settled for squeezing Sammy’s hand a little tighter. His father could clearly see the life come back into his eyes. Like the phoenix reborn from the ashes, his oldest was renewed by the knowledge that his brother was going to live. He had known it all along there was a connection between the two that could not be broken, not in life and not even in death.

“I suggest, we continue dialysis treatments for several more days.” The doctor continued now, “This will give Sam’s kidneys the rest they need and hopefully they will recover 100%.”

“But when is he going to wake up?”

Dean could hear the hesitation in the doctor’s voice when he answered his question.

“I really don’t know we have to give him time.”

His enthusiasm seemed to deflate slightly; this wasn’t the response he wanted to hear. Giving himself a moment he looked at his father and then fixed his eyes on the pale face of his brother.

“Sammy, you beat the odds until now, so I guess I can wait a little bit longer for you to wake up. Heaven knows you can use your beauty sleep. It is hard to keep up with a handsome big brother like me!”

John grinned Dean was definitely back. He glanced over to his youngest and for a second he could have sworn he saw him raise his eyebrows.

“Did you see that?” Dean’s voice told him it wasn’t just him who observed the sudden movement.

Gently stroking his hair and talking softly to Sam, he tried to convince him to open his eyes, while his oldest anxiously watched. Even Father Jim had approached the bed now, praying for the hazel eyes to show themselves. All of them continued to stare at him for several minutes but the youngest Winchester seemed to have made up his mind not to cooperate and let his features relax again.

Disappointed John and Dean glanced up until they say Dr. Reddy’s smile.

“It is not uncommon for patient coming out of a coma to take several attempts before they actually make it all the way to the surface. Matter of fact I am really surprised he made it this far so early. This is really good news. You got a real fighter on your hand here.”

He looked at both of them before he continued. “With a family like the two of you I shouldn’t be too surprised though. Now if you would excuse me, please, I have a few more patients to see before my shift is over.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was shortly after noon when John and Jim Murphy returned from a fast lunch in the hospital cafeteria. The oldest Winchester carried a tray with a sandwich, fries and a soda for Dean. He also bought back a pack of M&M’s knowing that his first-born could never resist them. Especially the peanut kind was his favorite ever since he was old enough not to choke on them.

“Hey Dean, we are back, it’s time to eat.”

“Not now dad, I am just telling Sammy about the first hunt you took me on.” The enthusiasm in his voice was plain.

John looked at his friend with a helpless shrug of his shoulders.

“It's okay, John, let me take over from here!” the priest whispered at him before he turned to the young man in front of him. “Now Dean, you promised your father and me you would eat if we would bring you something back to the room. So here it is and you better keep your promise or I will have to force feed you.” Seeing the defiant look and his face he smiled and added, “And don’t think I wouldn’t do it just because I am a man of god.”

“Alright, just bring it over then!” Dean relented.

“No, you will park yourself over here at the table and let your father sit with Sammy. I will stay with you and make sure you take your time with the food.”

With much hesitation the younger man gave in and walked to the table. He knew he couldn’t win against the two older ones. Still he couldn’t help himself and mumbled a few defiant curses under his breath.

John was ready to take the seat his oldest had abandoned when he saw the frown on Sam’s face. And this time it didn’t disappear again.

“Dean!” his voice made his older son come to a dead stop and turn around, instantly aware that something was happening.

Sam’s eyelids started to flutter and after several attempts finally opened. Taken in by a sudden feeling of dread and guilt, John stepped aside and ushered his oldest to his brothers side. Dean was almost caught off guard. He had waited for so long that it took him a split second to find his voice.

Finally he said, “Sammy, about time you showed those hazel eyes of yours.”

He could see glassy eyes staring up at him, then moving around the room and back to fix at him. Confusion was clearly written on his brothers features. He leaned in a little closer, making sure he was in Sam’s direct line of vision.

“Hey little brother, it’s me, Dean” he said in a gentle voice, clearly expecting recognition which to his dismay never came. Instead he noticed a flicker of fear in Sam’s eyes before they glazed over and his lids slid shut once again.

Dread laced his voice as he turned to his father. “Dad, what’s wrong with Sam, he didn’t know me?”

Chapter 10

It was only a few minutes after Sam’s eyes closed again, when Dr. Johnson hurried in the room. The nurse had notified him immediately following the frantic calls from John Winchester. Although the doctor didn’t know exactly what to expect, he was surprised to find his patient was sleeping peacefully. However, before he could ask any questions Dean was already upon him.

“Sam woke up, but he didn’t recognize me, it was almost like he was terrified and then he lost consciousness again. What is going on with him? Shouldn’t he stay awake longer? Why didn’t he know me? What is wrong with him?”

He would have gone on and on without taking a breath, if Father Jim didn’t stop him. “Dean, you got to give the doctor a chance to check your brother!”

Even though he didn’t want to, Dean had to admit the priest was right. Therefore, he grudgingly stepped back and allowed Dr. Johnson to take his place at his brother’s side.

Still, he couldn’t quite hide his impatience. “Could you hurry, please?”

While desperately trying to hide a smile, the physician started a thorough assessment. He had seen the young man first thing in the morning following the report from his colleague. After the last few days, he was really taken off guard by the events of the night. In his mind it was absolutely a miracle, because yesterday he wouldn’t have given a penny for his patient’s life.

When he completed his evaluation, he turned around and this time the smile was apparent on his face.

“I can assure you, there is nothing wrong with your brother!”

“How can you say that? You weren’t here when he woke up. You didn’t see the look in his eyes.” Dean was very obviously angry.

“I believe I owe you an explanation. See, your brother’s kidney panel is still way off and his liver functions are not back to normal yet. Matter of fact, they are still bad enough that this is in all likelihood the cause for his confusion.”

“But he is going to get over it?” It was the oldest Winchester, who raised the question.

“Yes, Dr. Reddy already explained to you, that his kidneys are starting to come back. Nevertheless, after a total shutdown like the one Sam experienced, it will take a while for them to fully recover. That’s why we are continuing with the dialysis treatments. I am pretty sure that by tomorrow his functions will be good enough that we can decrease treatments to every other day.”

Dean took a step toward the bed and squeezed his brother’s hand, than he looked up.

“I was a little hasty in my judgment, I ‘m sorry about that.”

“Young man, I wouldn’t have expected any less out of you.” This time there was a big grin on his features. “In the last few days I got to know you and your father well enough to know how protective you are of Sam. So forget about it. I actually appreciate, that someone finally doesn’t see the ‘god in white’ in me. I am not perfect and I am very well aware of it.”

Now Dean had to smile also, partially due to the doctor’s remark and partially because of the knowledge that he had overreacted. Nothing felt better than to know, that Sammy was really on his way to recovery.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

While Dean sat with Sam again, Jim had given John a sign and both left the room. Walking back to the seating area they had used during the night, the priest started to speak about his concern.

I watched you when Sammy woke up. What was up with that deer in the headlight look of yours?” Seeing his friend’s expression, he continued. “Don’t try to deny it; I saw how you pushed Dean in front of you!”

After a pregnant pause and with much reluctance, the oldest Winchester finally gave him an honest answer. “I didn’t want Sam to see me first, I was afraid he would only see the man that hit him.”

“I should have known!” the priest was not really surprised by the response. He knew the Winchesters for too long to expect anything different. “What is it with that guild complex in your family? It surely seems to be a genetic thing. You feel guilty about hitting Sam, Dean feels guilty for not being there for Sam, I am sure, when Sam wakes up he feels guilty for what he said to you and that he disappointed Dean.”

He took a pause, then he continued, “I don’t have this much guilt in my confessionals in a whole month that I am getting from the three of you in a couple days. But seriously, do you really think Sammy won’t have better things on his mind when he comes around? I have the odd feeling, that he will just be happy to have you and Dean around. Everything else will have time till later.”

As much as he wanted to deny it, John had to give his friend right. Yet in true Winchester fashion he just said, “Yeah well, I really think I should check on Caleb, see if he needs any help.”

He heard the snort coming from Jim Murphy and couldn’t help but laugh back. The two men had an understanding that went beyond words.

“You are right; Caleb can handle himself and will call if he needs us. Now, let’s get back to my boys before Dean, in his impatience does something stupid.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The two men reentered Sam’s room with grins on their faces. John closed the door behind him, when almost instantly it was opened again. Losing his balance by the push he received when the door handle slammed into his back, he fell forwards and into his friend.

The priest tried to turn but wasn’t fast enough and got caught at an odd angle. Losing his footing also, both fell and landed on the floor.

Pushing the big man off him, Jim Murphy growled, “This has to end, I spend way too much time on this hospital floor.”

John was going to make a snarky remark, but was interrupted by a loud laugh.

“See if I ask you to help me with a hunt ever again. You can’t even stay on your feet if there are no spirits around.”

“Caleb!”

Dean stood up from his seat and hugged his older friend. In the meantime the two older men had made it back to standing and also greeted him.

“Did you get her?”

Although he stated it as a question, John Winchester had no doubt that the younger man had completed the hunt.

“I did but instead of talking about it, why don’t you turn on the news!” Caleb responded, still having a grin on his face.

The younger Winchester wasted no time and turned on the small TV that was handing on a bracket from the ceiling. All of them settled down to watch the news program that was just starting to flicker over the screen.

“You might have to wait a minute…., uh, there it is.” Caleb interrupted himself as the program showed the front of the local police station.

The camera then zoomed in to show a close up of a woman gagged and tied to wheel chair before the scene went back to a studio shot of a newscaster. The still of the bound female remained behind her, as she reported.

“Two hours ago this woman was found in front of the local police station. Witnesses report she was dropped off by a man in an old black Chevy van without a license plate. The van was later found abandoned about four miles from the site. The woman was identified as 29-year-old Joanna Boudreaux, who a few days ago, was charged with giving alcohol and drugs to an unidentified minor and with attempted manslaughter. After she posted bail, she disappeared and her whereabouts were unknown, until she was discovered tied up like this. Local law enforcement is looking for the man who drove the van but is not very confident in finding him.”

Turning off the TV, Caleb smiled, “And I am pretty sure, they are not going to look too hard for someone who made their job easier.”

John and Dean exchanged a knowing look before both glanced upon Sam’s sleeping form. Things were finally looking up for them. Maybe the Winchester luck was finally turning for the better.

Chapter 11

Throughout the rest of the day Sam seemed to attempt several times to wake up again. His cracks at consciousness weren’t blessed with very much success, although his dad, Dean, Caleb and Father Jim were all rooting for him. Only once, late during the evening, did he actually open his eyes. Again there was confusion and fear written in his hazel orbs, yet just for a fleeting moment, right before they slid closed again; Dean thought he saw some recognition in them.

Encouraged by this, Caleb and Jim decided to leave the hospital to get some sleep at the Winchester home. Both had attempted to get at least one of their friends to come with them but the two older Winchester’s felt that would be the same as abandoning the youngest member of the family.

John and Dean once again spent their night sitting on either side of Sam’s bed. The difference to the nights before was, that a lot of the fear and tension was had left them. Things were really looking up and so both of them were able to relax a little and get several hours of sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was just before 6 AM and the sun was starting to peek through the gaps in the blinds. John blinked his eyes open as he felt the light tickle his nose. He looked over at his oldest, whose head was once again resting on Sam’s bed. What he also noticed was that his youngest son’s hand was curled around his brother’s fingers. He let his eyes wander up to Sam’s face and noticed that his eyes were open.

Silently he reached over and gave Dean a gently shake. It took but a second for the older boy to wake up and he felt Sam’s hand holding his before he even saw it. Carefully he lifted his head and his eyes locked with his brothers.

“Dean!”

It was only a whisper, barely audible but to the two older men it was like the sweetest music. Dean felt like he could give up all of his classic rock tapes and the impala for this one sound of recollection.

“Sammy, I’m right here.”

“Tired…”

Again Dean could only hear his brother because of the close proximity to him.

“It’s okay, just go back to sleep, dad and I are right here!” he assured him.

Sam’s eyes looked at him and then his head turned slightly to look over to his father. It looked as if the shadow of a smile moved over his features before they relaxed again in sleep.

Dean had followed his brother’s eyes and now looked at his father. For a split second the two men shared a silent conversation. Dean knew without words how the older man felt. It was clearly written on his face - Sam didn’t just recognize him, he also didn’t hate him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It took three days after the first initial moment of clarity until Sam finally woke up and stayed awake for longer than a minute or two. Caleb and Father Jim insisted to stick around town, not just to see Sam’s progress, but also to be there for extra support, should anything else go wrong. Both of them knew too well that the Winchester luck never seemed to last very long. Yet all of the reports had been encouraging and as Dr. Johnson had expected, the dialysis treatments had been decreased to every other day.

John had finally convinced Dean to go home and take a long shower rather than just freshen up in the small bathroom that belonged to the ICU room. Initially he had refused not wanting to miss one minute with his brother. It had taken a firm order from his father to finally make him leave. The older man smiled. He was sure this would be the fastest shower in his first-borns life.

He was no alone with his youngest. Having moved the recliner as close as possible to the bed, he leaned back and almost nodded off, when he felt movement beside him. As he turned, he saw Sam had turned to his side and was facing him.

“Dad, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it!” Tears of regret were running down his cheeks.

Noticing the anguish in his baby’s eyes, John’s heart wanted to break. He cupped his face with both hands and used his thumbs to gently wipe the wetness from his face.

“I am sorry too, Sammy, I overreacted, I never should have slapped you!”

“It’s okay dad, I deserved it.” Sam still couldn’t contain his tears.

“I forgive you but only if you forgive me too. We were both wrong, okay?” John smiled.

“Okay!” Sam felt relieve wash over him. Ever since he first woke up he wanted to apologize to his father but couldn’t find the strength to stay awake long enough. He also had tried to remember what happened after the fight but found that he just couldn’t fight off the tiredness. Even now it was beckoning him again. Desperate he tried to fight it but once again the darkness was stronger. In a last exertion he attempted to keep his eyes open.

“Dad, what happened to me?’

John acknowledged the effort it took his son to stay awake and saw as his eyes started to cloud over again. He knew now was not the time to fill the younger man in on what transpired. Therefore, he just gently stroked his hair.

“It's okay, Sammy, don’t worry about it right now.”

“It’s Sam!”

He could hardly make out the words as his youngest gave into the darkness that beckoned him once again. It brought a smile on his face. His little boy was back and he had forgiven him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dean was almost ecstatic over his brother’s progress during the next few days. Sam was able to stay awake for longer periods of time and even carried on some light banter with his older sibling. His memory was almost fully recovered with the exceptions of the hours between running off and collapsing in the bar.

Dr Johnson had explained that it was very likely he would never recover this memory. Still easy to tire, he seemed content with the excuses his father and brother made for not filling him in on the events. Yet knowing him well enough, they knew eventually he would no longer be happy with being put off. What was even truer was that they would have to make him aware of his wrong in his action. For now they decided to take it one step at a time and face the challenges as they came.

The next one came with Sam’s first attempt to get up. It had been only thanks to the constant presence of either his father or Dean in the room that the younger one hadn’t already tried to escape his prison. He was getting more and more frustrated with the doctors explanation that he needed to be able to stay awake for at least one hour at a time before they could get him standing up and walking.

Dean was almost amused by his brother’s desperate attempts to stay awake. It was sometimes in the middle of a conversation that he started to nod off. Trying to cover up, he suddenly accused his father and brother of mumbling as an excuse for not answering questions correctly. Any other time neither one would have let him get by with it but now both couldn’t help but understand his desire to escape the bed.

When Dr. Johnson finally announced Sam was ready for his first trip it wasn’t clear who of the three was more relieved.

The older men insisted they would be the ones to assist him instead of two nurses. The doctor came in the room shortly after lunch. Sam was excited and it was clearly written on his face. Eagerly he followed the suggestions of his physician to slowly move over to the side of the bed.

After a moment he continued, “Now sit up and let your feet hang over the side.”

John and Dean stood on either side, ready to assist when he was ready to stand up. Finally they got the command and held on to Sam’s arm as he pushed himself off from the bed.

It felt like freedom to be upright again at last. At the same time he realized how weak he really was, his legs felt like they were made out of rubber. Determined to not give up, he put one foot in front of the other, encouraged by the voices of his family.

The two older Winchesters smiled at each other as they held on to Sam.

“Great job Sam, a few more steps and you made it halfway through the room.” John’s voice was filled with pride as he watched his son slowly progress towards the door. He could see the beads of sweet grow on his youngest’ forehead as the effort took his toll.

“Hey baby brother, this is almost like when you took your first steps as a toddler.” Dean tried to keep the tone light to distract his brother from some his difficult task. “Remember, I told you how you ended up falling on your face after a couple steps?”

Sam turned his head and grinned. At the same time Dean saw his eye’s roll back and without further warning he collapsed. John was not quiet unprepared, Dr. Johnson had warned them this could happen. In one smooth move he put his arm under Sam’s knees while holding on to his upper back with the other one. Before Dean was able to react, his father already carried the younger boy back and gently put him on the bed.

It took the doctor only a moment to put the cuff on the young man’s arm and check his blood pressure. Then he listened to his heart and nodded to his patient’s family.

“He is okay, his blood pressure is a little low, 96/70, but otherwise he is okay. He should wake up any second.”

Like on command Sam’s eyes started to flutter and finally opened. Slightly confused he looked up at the doctor.

“Did I pass out?”

“You could say that, little bro; you fainted like a dainty lady!” Dean teased.

“Jerk.” The response came out without thinking.

“Bitch.”

Dr. Johnson gave the older Winchester a questioning look.

He shrugged his shoulders in an almost helpless gesture, and then said, “Brotherly love, who understands it?”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sam’s next attempt to get back on his feet came the next morning. This time Caleb and Father Jim were also present. Both of them stood back to not be in the way but had encouraging words for him.

This time things went much better than during his first attempt. Once again, John and Dean were at his side and held his arms. Although he still experienced some dizziness, Sam made it to the door before Dr. Johnson pushed a chair behind him to allow him a break. The way back to the bed a few minutes later went slower and seemed more like miles than a few yards, but with the help of his family, he finally found himself sitting back on the bed without having passed out.

As they aided him back to a horizontal position, Sam took a few deep breaths. He knew if the bed would have been a few steps farther he wouldn’t have made it. Knowing his brother, he would have never lived down another “fainting spell”. For right now though he was content, happy and very tired. This made a thought run through his mind - it just seemed wrong to be this tired all the time. He would have to think about it for a while, but right now, he really could not concentrate on it or anything else. Therefore, he turned to his side and curled up, asleep before his brother was able to tuck the blanket in around him.

Dean snorted, “Look at sleepyhead; he is already out like a light.”

“This was hard work for him, but it is bound to get easier from now on.” Dr. Johnson smiled, “And I have more good news, today’s lab tests were really encouraging. His kidney functions are still a little off but they have really improved. His liver function and everything else are back to normal.”

“Great, so what does that mean for Sammy?” John couldn’t hide his excitement.

“Well, first of all we move him out of ICU to the medical unit. I already notified them and we can do it right after today’s dialysis treatment. I plan on keeping him for a few more days and if there are no further complications, you can take him home. He has to come to the outpatient clinic daily for some blood tests and if his kidneys continue to improve, we won’t have to do another treatment until in one week.”

Caleb walked up to his friends, slapping both on the back, while Jim sent a prayer of thanks to heaven. John and Dean looked at Sam and for a moment both of them thought, that maybe there was a God after all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Four days later Sam was back in the small rental house shared with father and brother. Caleb had left town the day before, having been called to a hunt in Montana. He had hoped to stay a few more days but the spirit of a mountain man had wrecked havoc at several camp sites and for weeks and now one of the campers, a 16 year old girl had died, when she jumped in a river trying to escape the fearsome apparition.

Jim Murphy had decided to stay another week his parish had another priest that was very capable of taking care of it. He anticipated that there would be a need for his presence during the next few days. John had confined in him that he and Dean were planning to fill in the missing pieces in Sam’s memory fairly soon. Neither one was looking forward to the task but they knew it had to be done. There was a lot of unresolved anger about the stupidity of the youngest Winchesters actions. Although both had been able to successfully hide their feelings up to now, eventually things could get out of hand if they wouldn’t be resolved before this happened. When the priest had offered to stay, John had readily taken him up on his offer. He knew that Sam trusted the man and he hoped this would make things easier.

Sam felt odd returning to the house for the first time in what seemed forever. The trip back from the hospital, although only 20 Minutes long, had worn him down. His excitement had been building throughout the day and he had hardly been able to stay in bed since this morning. Now he almost felt deflated, too tired to care where he was. Without bothering to take off his shoes, he flopped down on the couch.

“Dude, don’t let Dad see you, he will take your head off.” Dean grinned, knowing well his father couldn’t care less. It was good to have his little brother back home and be able to tease him.

Sam just used some fairly rude sign language, showing his brother what he thought of him.

“Okay, this time I will cut you some slack but only because you are not quite back to your usual self, next time though, I will not let you talk to me this way.”

John exchanged a glance with Jim, who just then came out of the kitchen.

“I don’t want to interrupt you boys, but I made some dinner. I just thought Sammy would like to go to bed early. So if we eat now, he can go upstairs afterwards.”

Sam slowly got up and shuffled into the kitchen, his shoulders slumped and his gait more that of an old man than of an 18 year old. He gave Jim a thankful smile as he walked by him, showing the priest how right he had been.

Dinner was fairly quiet. The youngest Winchester was well aware of the scrutiny he was put under as he picked at his food. Compared to what he was used to from his father’s or Dean’s cooking, the food in front of him was quite appetizing. The priest had put a meal of grilled chicken breast, rice pilaf and fresh salad together. It smelled wonderful and even Dean had to agree tasted fantastic also. Yet the exhaustion pulling on him didn’t let Sam enjoy his food. Finally, after eating barely half of what was on his plate, he put his fork down.

“It was delicious but I am really tired. May I be excused?”

Neither of the other men was really surprised by his request.

“Sure, why don’t you go upstairs and get ready for bed. We can clean up here after we are done eating.” John encouraged his youngest.

“You going to be okay or do I have to drag your tired ass upstairs?” Dean tried to hide his concern behind a light tone.

“Nah, I wouldn’t want you to break anything.” Sam’s reply was said with a grin that could not quite disguise his fatigue.

Slowly he made his way up the stairs, again fully aware that he was being watched by three pairs of eyes.

“Is he going to be okay?” Dean gave his father a worried look.

“I’m sure he will be. We just have to give him some time. Don’t forget, this is his first night back home.” John was just as worried but knew that Sam’s recovery had just started.

Noticing that the older boy was done with his meal, Father Jim put a hand on his shoulder.

“Why don’t you go and check on your brother. Your father and I can handle things down here.”

“Thanks!”

He was upstairs before his father even had a chance to protest.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The door to the room he shared with his younger brother was closed, which really didn’t surprise Dean. If Sam was changing into his sweats and t-shirt, he would have made sure no one would be able to watch him. It surprised the older at times how shy his baby brother was, after all they were all family here. Sometimes he wondered how he ever made it through high school and locker rooms.

He opened the door without knocking; almost hoping he would surprise Sam in his birthday suit. Just the thought of the look on his face made him grin in anticipation. Yet the scene he faced upon entering was entirely different. His younger sibling was lying on the bed fast asleep. He had pulled his sweats on, the jeans and short sleeve shirt he had worn earlier discarded on the floor. The t-shirt he had pulled out of the drawer for the night was still on the bed beside him. He had not even taken the time to crawl under the covers before giving in to his need for sleep.

Dean smiled, he remembered the times when Sam was little and dragged out going to bed until he could hardly keep his eyes open. At that time it happened almost daily that he would fall asleep in the middle of undressing.

The memory put a smile on his face and he did what he would do at that time, he took the blanket from his own bed and covered Sam up with it. Then he gently pushed any stray hairs out of his face before pressing a kiss on his forehead.

“Sleep tight buddy, don’t let the monsters in the closet bite!”

There was an expression of contentment on the sleeping Winchesters face and Dean prayed that he did not hear his last words. After all, he had a reputation to hold up.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dean had gone to sleep late that night and for the first time in several weeks had been able to fall asleep almost immediately. He knew the soft snoring coming from the other bed had a lot to do with it. It just felt good to know his baby brother was safely sleeping beside him.

It was several hours later when he awoke unsure what had disturbed his sleep. After a moment of trying to shake of the cobwebs that filled his mind, he finally realized, it was the noises coming from the other bed. Before he could get up and get over to his brother, the mumbling turned into a full-blown scream.

“Sam, it’s okay, you are save!” Dean gently shook his brother in an attempt to wake him.

The only result he got was another anguished scream that coincided with the light turning on and his father and Father Jim entering the room. Sam was now sitting straight up in the bed, his eyes widened in terror.

“Sammy, look at me, you are at home, and nothing can hurt you!”

Dean was now holding him by the shoulders, trying to make eye contact to tear him out of whatever nightmare had caused his panic. Finally, Sam’s confusion seemed to lift and he fixed his gaze at his brother. What the older one saw in them was not what he expected. Instead of fear there was devastation written in them and slowly they filled with tears.

“Oh God, Dean, it is all my fault, I am so sorry!” was all that came out of Sam’s mouth before his body was rocked by sobs and he collapsed into his older siblings arms.

Holding him tight and stroking his hair in an attempt to sooth the weeping, Dean gave his father a helpless glance. He just couldn’t think of any reason for this outbreak.

John gently kneeled down beside the bed and rubbed his youngest back while he talked to him in a gentle voice.

“Sam, whatever it is, it is going to be alright; don’t worry about it now!”

It took a moment before the tearstained face lifted up from the hiding place on his brother’s shoulder. His voice still having a slight quiver to it, he finally said. “No, it won’t, I remember what I did, I dreamt about. I totally messed up this time!”

Chapter 13

Dean and John looked at each other before their eyes wandered to Jim for help. The priest was still standing in the doorframe. Having watched the scene unfold in front of him, he knew that this was something the Winchester men would have to handle themselves. He would take the place of the observer and interfere only if things got out of hands. Therefore, he just shook his head and sat down on the dresser that stood right beside the door. Once again he sent a silent prayer to heaven, asking for help for his distraught friends.

This was really not what either one of the older Winchesters had expected. Dr. Johnson had explained that at this time there was really no chance anymore for Sam to regain any memories of that fateful night at the bar. So it felt strange and downright spooky that he recovered them through a dream. Now both of them wished they would have talked to him earlier, when they could have told him step by step what happened. This event had taken control from them and left them feeling helpless with the situation at hand.

Both of them had a lot of anger and disappointment about Sam’s actions lingering. Things they wanted and even needed to tell him but now didn’t know how to

Now as John watched the tears stream down Sam’s face, despair clearly written in his eyes, all the anger melted away from him. The only thing he wanted to do was to wrap his arms around his son like he did when Sammy was still a toddler. Hugging him tight and whispering gently words into his ears would always take the pain and fear away. Nevertheless, he knew things wouldn’t be so easy this time. Because Sam was right, he did mess up.

In the meantime Dean was still holding his brother tight, hoping his desperate sobs would seize, yet every time they seemed to calm it was just for another bout to shake his lanky body again. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Sam pried himself out of his older sibling’s arms and wiped his face with his forearm.

He thought back at the vivid images that he had experienced right before he awoke. It didn’t really seem like a dream, more like he was living that evening for the first time. He could feel everything that was happening right then, yet he was also just watching. Like there was two of him, one doing stupid things without thinking and the other one judging him for his own actions.

“What did she give me?” his voice was still shaky but it was clear he was determined to find out the truth. “Was it drugs?”

This was the one question John and Dean didn't expect, after all Sam had been too wasted by the time he took the pills to know what he was doing. There was a pregnant pause before Dean took it on himself to answer.

“Yeah, that’s what almost did you in!”

“But why? Why would she do this to me? She never met me before!”

Sam was very obviously at a loss. It just didn’t make sense to him.

“I thought they were Tylenol or something. She told me they would prevent me from feeling bad in the morning.” His voice sounded lost, helpless like a puppy just trying to be sweet and receiving a kick as thanks.

It seemed almost impossible, that with all his hunting experiences and all the teasing and taunting Sam had experienced throughout his young life, he still had a sense of innocence and trust about him. Something that John and Dean lost years ago or maybe never really had. However, maybe this was what made their youngest so special, what always made them want to protect him. It almost didn’t seem fair that they had to take a piece of his innocence away from him.

John felt tears stinging in his own eyes when he answered, “Sam, it was never about you, Joanna was a junkie out for a new high and you were the one to safely test it on.”

The glance he received from his youngest felt like he got stab right through his heart. He was ready to say more, trying to make him feel just a little bit better but was interrupted when Sam went on.

“I guess I should have known. No one looking like her would ever give me a second look otherwise. But I guess it felt good to have this woman that was older and pretty pay attention to me.”

He stopped for a second, before he went on to say, “I was probably not sober enough at that time anyway to make a good judgment.”

Dean, who had been quietly listening suddenly, felt his own pain surge up. Something was trying to take over his thinking, something, that until now he had been able to hide successfully, mainly because he knew it would hurt his brother more.

Moreover, before he could regain control, he already was bursting out, “Why didn’t you talk to me? Why in the world would you go and get drunk?”

Once again tears started to run down Sam’s face and Dean felt like he wanted to bite his tongue off for what he had just said. Now it was too late to take it back. So he was even more surprised by his brother’s answer.

“I went in there, because I thought you would be there. You are right, I should have never stayed, when I found out you weren’t. I am so sorry I hurt you!”

He let his head hang, trying to control his tears before he was able to continue. “The next mistake I made was that I was so far off in my thoughts, that I didn’t even realize what I was doing.”

Now that he had started, things just started to bubble out of him.

“In my mind I was still on my first beer, when I actually had several fold. I got myself so lost in my stupidity and selfishness that I just made one bad choice after the other. Until I very obviously didn’t know what I was doing anymore. Or maybe that isn’t right, because I know I realized it was wrong but it just didn’t matter. I didn’t have control anymore.”

“You learned a difficult lesson the hard way Sam. That’s what alcohol can do to you.”

Dean's voice was filled with compassion. All anger he had felt dissipated because he knew his brother already punished himself enough. There was no more need for him to do it. He locked eyes with his father and saw the same reaction in them.

John moved closer to his youngest and put his arm around his shoulder.

“You know Sammy, there is nothing wrong with drinking as long as you know when to quit. I know, I really shouldn’t preach, after all I messed up too many times myself. However, that doesn’t mean that it is okay. I know better and now so do you.

Sam looked from his father to his brother and saw nothing than forgiveness in their faces but he couldn't take it. He was not ready to grant himself forgiveness, how he could accept it from someone else.

“I almost died and it was my own fault. I caused you pain and suffering and all because I was stupid.”

The guilt ridden expression on his face sent both older men desperately looking for words. After a long moment of silence, Dean finally came up with an idea. He had a crooked grin on his face when he started.

“Do you remembered when I was 16 and most afternoons picked you up from school?”

Sam threw him a questioning look, not sure where his brother was going with this.

“Yeah, so what?”

“Well, there was a month, when the Impala was in the shop. Didn't you ever think that was strange? After all, usually dad and I would fix everything ourselves.”

“Guess I never thought about it. I remember you saying something about parts that had to be special ordered.” Sam admitted.

“What happened was, one evening a few of my friends and I decided to have a party at the little lake outside of the town we lived at. Well, it was a party alright, we all got pretty wasted and then decided to have a race. Would have been okay because there was really no traffic around there, except I passed out behind the wheel and ended up in the lake. Almost drowned, only reason I didn't is that that had gotten suspicious when he was missing the 24 pack of Bud he had just bought that afternoon.”

Now John took over. “I just got there to see the car fly over the edge and into the water. None of the other kids was with it enough to do anything. So it was up to me to save your brothers scrawny ass. I made him walk for a month and in his spare time he had to dry the engine and detail the car. Any repair costs he had to work off at the shop.”

For the first time there was a grin on Sam's face. “You did that? You really crashed your 'Baby'?”

“Don't ever bring it up again or you will pay for it!” The threatening tone in the older brother's voice was softened by the twinkle in his eyes.

“See, your brother was just as stupid as you and please don't ask me what I did when I was that age.” John smiled, then got serious again, “Sam, I can see that you understand you made some bad choices und you regret them. You learned from them and now you got to forgive yourself. Only then can you go on.”

Once again there was an exchange of glances between John and Dean. Knowing their youngest, it would take a while before he was willing to fully forgive himself but by his expression, he was at least ready to give himself a break. The other thing they could see was that his adrenaline started to run low and exhaustion was taking over.

“Why don't you get some sleep before you fall of the bed?”

John helped him lie down, while Dean pulled the blankets up around him. Sam's eyes were heavy with sleep but Dean couldn't help but ask one last question.

“So you really went into the bar because you where looking for me?”

“Yeah, you always have the best advice, big brother!”

With that his eyelids dropped and he fell fast asleep, leaving Dean with a content smile and his father with a feeling of warmth, that he made him feel complete.

Through all this, Father Jim, who had been sitting at the sideline observing, was amazed how these men, as stubborn and hard headed as anyone could ever be, were able to work through all of this with a tenderness that rivaled that of several mothers. There was a smile on his lips as he spoke another prayer.

“Thank you god for chick-flick moments!”

Epilog

The day was dark and dreary. Thick heavy drops streamed down from dark grey clouds, which were so heavy, they looked like they would fall out of the sky any minute. The air was saturated with wetness and even though it was only early afternoon it felt more like evening. However, the darkness seemed only appropriate, because it matched the mood of Sam Winchester.

His hair was plastered to his face and the water ran down his neck onto his cloths, not that it made any difference they were soaked also. A duffel bag was hanging over his shoulder as he stood there, waiting for the bus to take him to California.

He could have waited in the bus station to keep warm and dry, but somehow the thought didn’t even cross his mind. Not that he really noticed the rain anyway. His mind was far away, contemplating he was standing here.

The last two month had been some of the best of his life. Amazingly he had bounced back from his near fatal encounter with drugs and alcohol much faster than anyone had expected. After his initial talk with his father and brother neither one had mentioned the incident again. Except for the few times when the two of them felt he was beating himself up with guilt again. Then only words of encouragement and forgiveness were said by either one.

A few weeks after Father Jim left, he had called and told them about a cabin at Lake Michigan that one of his parishioners owned. The man was willing to rent it out for next to nothing and Jim Murphy had immediately remembered his friends. So his father had taken them there, just to relax, no hunting or anything. It went well for about three days, after which the peace was disturbed by a water spirit and they once again were back to doing what the Winchesters did best - hunt evil. It was a routine hunt and although his father apologized, Sam actually felt pretty good about it.

After that there had been several more mostly easy hunts and for the first time in years Sam felt like his father accepted him. Yet that didn’t take away his desire to go to Stanford. It actually seemed to intensify, now that he felt like the older Winchester was more understanding.

He was waiting for the right moment and the opportunity appeared to arise last evening, when all of them were sitting outside, enjoying an unusually mild late July evening. They were laughing about a joke Dean made, when Sam felt the moment was right to speak up.

“Dad, I thought we could talk about my plans to go to Stanford!”

John looked up and suddenly his smile disappeared. “What plans, I thought there was nothing to talk about anymore?”

“Did you think I have given up on going to college?” Sam was disappointed; he really thought his dad would understand now.

“After all that happened and the way you got involved with the last few hunts, I was sure you did.”

“Dad, I want to go to Stanford. Don’t you understand hunting is not my life? I love to be with you and Dean but I am different. I don’t belong in the ‘family business’.”

The older Winchesters face turned hard, “Sam, your brother and I need you here. Right now is just not the right time to leave!”

I promise, I will come back during my breaks and help you!”

Sam was still trying to convince the older man, while at the same time attempting not to loose his temper. Now he looked at his brother, hoping desperately to find help with him.

“Hey, I have to agree with dad.” Dean shrugged, “I mean, I understand your desire to go to college but you shouldn't go so far away. Why don’t you check out the Junior College here in town, I hear it is really good and maybe you could transfer to a bigger place a few years down the road?”

Sam just stared at him; he was at a total loss for words. He had expected more support from his brother. Suddenly anger welled up in him and he rose from his chair.

“Why doesn’t anybody ever listen to me? You hear me, but you really don’t listen. This is not my life, I want something different, don’t you understand? And by the way, other families would be thrilled if their son would get a full ride to Stanford.”

John also got up from his seat and walked closer to his youngest.

“You think I don’t understand? Well, you are right, I don’t! You can’t just walk out on us. We depend on your help!”

“You depend on my help? Ha, that’s funny, most of the time; you don’t need me on your stupid hunts. I don't know how many times you didn't want me to go because you were afraid I would screw up. I don't really care anymore what you say, I am going!”

There was determination in his voice but also a certain amount of pleading.

“If you walk out now, you don’t need to come back! You have to choose between Stanford and your family. You can’t have both!”

Sam starred at him for a moment his expression full of shock and disbelieve. When he finally spoke, his words were full of anger and rage.

“Fine, if it's that what you want, I am so out of here.”

He turned around and ran in the house, slamming the door behind him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This was why he was standing here now, waiting for the bus to take him away. The bond with his family was broken, he broke it himself and now his heart was empty. There was no turning back for him. This time he knew he had gone too far and there would be no forgiveness for him.

As the bus approached and stopped, he took one look back, almost hoping beyond hope to find his brother standing there. Then he turned and climbed the few steps into the bus. Finding a seat, he sat down and looked out the window. As the bus started to drive through the rain, tears just as heavy streamed down his cheeks.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

At the same time the two older Winchesters were standing on the porch, looking out into the downpour.

“Why didn’t you stop him, Dad, why in the world did you let him go? You could have told him the truth.”

“I couldn’t, you know that. Sam would think it was his fault your mother died. It would destroy him. He is not ready to deal with it, at least not yet.”

John stopped, his voice full of resignation when he finally continued, “I thought if I made him choose, he would stay but I was wrong. Instead I lost him!”

He turned towards his oldest, tears clouding his vision.

Dean felt like his heart was ready to tear apart. Sam was his responsibility and he couldn't bear the thought of his little brother not being with him. However, he also started to understand his father. He knew John was right about Sammy not being ready to face the truth yet.

“It’s not your fault, dad, you had no way of knowing he would choose Stanford over us.”

With that he stepped out into the rain in an attempt to hide his tears, yet he could not hide the sobs that shook his body. His father followed him and laid his arm around him. Together they looked into the storm, not really seeing but sharing the pain that tore both of them apart. Their mission to protect their youngest had just become so much more difficult, maybe even impossible.

End...

 

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